Sucking It Up

Sometimes, on days like today, I disgust myself.   I look in the mirror and am anything but happy with the person I see staring back at me.  Someone who is so involved in herself that she can mope around the house acting like it’s the end of the world just because she can’t run a 15k on Saturday.  Someone who claims to have a missionary heart, but who also pities herself when she doesn’t get her way in life.

It’s been a long week.  I’m tired.  I’m hurting.  I’m feeling helpless and hopeless.  After 2 nights awake with a sick three year old and another awake with a sleepless baby, I’m worn down and my will to put on a smile has vanished.  Several days of quarantining the sick one meant no gym time (translate: no sanity) and the sleepless nights have turned me into a caffeine and adrenaline junkie.  I’m edgy and short tempered and keep telling myself to just make it until the weekend, but then I remember.  I remember the fact that I canceled the sitters and exchanged my bib number for a doctor’s appointment.  I remember that while my husband and running buddy will be gobbling up the miles I will be at home taking care of the kiddos just like any other day.  I remember that after less than a 3 mile run yesterday, my foot was throbbing so badly that I was limping for the rest of the evening.  I remember it all and it makes me want to curl up into a ball like a little kitten and lick my wounds until they heal, hissing at anyone who dares to bother me.

Dramatic?  I think yes.

It’s a race.  A couple sleepless nights.  An injury that will heal.


Yesterday morning I was talking to one of my good friends on the phone and she was giving me a rundown of some of the struggles she’s going through with her ADHD child.  Suddenly she said, “You know Cassi, things could be worse.” She went through the reality of the fact that what she faces in her daily life doesn’t compare with the woman who has to spoon feed her teenager who was paralyzed after a high school football tackle or the parent that has to witness a severely disabled child suffer and struggle through life on a daily basis.  Amidst all of the challenges she faces, she’s able to see that they are small compared to what they could be and because of that is able to focus on being grateful for her current blessings instead of dwelling on the negative.

I want to shed the long face for a joyful spirit that can be grateful for a beautiful family (yes, even its sleepless members), thankful for my health and the fact that I have 2 legs that work even though they can’t run at this very minute.  I have friends that are living alone while their spouses are stationed in Afghanistan and ones that are going through the heartbreak of divorce.  I know people who have lost their jobs with 4, 5, even 6 kids to support. I see the violence displayed across the news each night and am reminded of the extremely less fortunate across the world and realize that I need to suck it up and pull myself out of this funk.

There will be other races, other beautiful days to run, other PR’s to make, but I only have this moment, this life ONCE.  I refuse to waste it moping around like a victim.  I need to channel all of this negative energy into something productive that will take me out of myself and help me focus on others.  I need to make  a meal to drop off at a homeless shelter or make a phone call to my grandmother in Florida.  I should paint with my daughters even though I fear the mess it will make and bake cookies for the neighbors.  I should continue Cross-training  to keep up my fitness, but without overdoing it.  I need to focus on healing my injury and learn to listen to my body when it says, “too much”.

I need to bag my running shoes and drop them off at Goodwill.

Just kidding.

For now I will walk/rest/ice/elevate/strength train/and keep on keeping on.  There will be plenty of time to run later.


*Photo credits:


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